Briggsy Posted February 27, 2008 Report Share Posted February 27, 2008 Well, I reckon we should make every Wednesday a 'worst joke Wednesday' - so post your really bad jokes in here.... Here's mine: Teacher walks into the headmasters office and says "I've just caught the 5th formers gambling!". Headmaster says "What were they doing?" Teacher says "They were seeing how far up the wall they could pee" Headmaster says "What did you do?" Teacher says "I hit the roof!" Headmaster says "Really?.. How much did you win?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Briggsy Posted February 27, 2008 Author Report Share Posted February 27, 2008 A visitor to a mental institution asked the director how he decided which patients should be kept in. The director said "We fill up a bath, then offer the patient a teaspoon, teacup or a bucket and ask them to empty the bathtub". Visitor says "Oh, I see, a normal person would choose the bucket, because its the biggest". The director says "No, a normal person would pull the f**king plug out! Would you like a bed near the window?" A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner but doesn't tell the kids what it is. He says he'll give them a clue - "It's what mummy calls me sometimes". The little girl screams "Don't eat it - its a f**king arsehole! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Briggsy Posted February 27, 2008 Author Report Share Posted February 27, 2008 What do you call a Scotsman that works in a cloakroom? Angus McCoatup What do you call his Asian colleague? Mahat McCoat They get worse............. What do you call an Irishman that specialises in Doors, Windows and Conservatories? Paddy O'Door What do you call an Irish Sniper? Rick O'Shea Have you heard about the Irish gay couple? William Fitzpatrick & Patrick FitzWilliam What do you call a Welsh plumber? Dwayne Pype What do you call a woman that balances a pint on her head whilst playing Snooker? Beatrix Potter What do you call an Asian karaoke singer? Gettupta Singh What do you call a man with a bladder problem? I.P. Knightley Have you heard about the Asian stock car racer? His name is Sumjerk Ramedmacar What do you call the person that invented toilet paper? R.Swipe What do you call a bloke with a long neck? G.Raff What do you call a Russian Lesbian? Leyonya Bakyabich What do you call a West Indian fishermans wife? Wendy Boatcummzin What do you call a well known nudist Pakistani fire-eater? Sinjizz Pubezoff What do you call a Scottish female contortionist? Alik McHunt What do you call a woman that works for the Council water treatment depot? Sue Widgeworks What do you call the female receptionist of a Viagra supply company? Lola Bido What do yu call the customer that forgot to order his Viagra? Drew Peac**k What do you call a cross-eyed pornstar? Mister Completely What do you call a Russion with Bronchitis? Ivor Chestikov What do you call a a male art student? Drew Appic What do you call a male athlete? Paul Vault What do you call a female police officer? Laura Norda What do you call a Japanese car thief? Tommy Tukamota What do you call an Asian carpenter? Ahmed Ashed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Briggsy Posted February 27, 2008 Author Report Share Posted February 27, 2008 A lorry transporting frozen cows to a large chain of butchers shops is travelling up the M1, when, all of a sudden, a tyre bursts and throws it across the carriageway. The driver can do nothing as the lorry topples over, and 200 frozen cows spill across the carriageway - which then holds up all the traffic. Everyone sits there patiently in their cars waiting for the police to arrive. The lorry driver explains to the police what happened, and they say that as it was caused by a flat tyre, they won't be taking any action against him - but inform him that he'l have to remain with them until the hurd of cows can be safely moved - which could take up to three hours. A woman driver overhears the conversation and say "Three hours? I can't wait that long - I need to be in Leeds within the next two hours." The police reply "well, we're really sorry, but its a long process - we'll have to drag each cow out of the way one-by-one - which will take time" The woman groans and says "Thats absolute nonsense - i'll shift them - leave it with me!"- so off she goes. She walks up to each cow, touches it with her finger, and somehow, it unfreezes, comes back to life, and walks away. The lory driver and police look on in amazement as she walks up to another and does exactly the same thing - touches it, unfreezes it, and find that it walks away. She manages to unfreeze all 200 cows - and the road is clear within half an hour. The Police say to her, "That is truly amazing - i've no idea how you did it, but that deserves an award. The Policeman says, "I need to arange for the award to be sent to you, so can I take your name please?" The woman says, "Sure, my name is............. Thora Hird.............. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Max Kane Posted February 27, 2008 Report Share Posted February 27, 2008 Man you must be board! Some of the name ones raised a smile though Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Judge Mental Posted February 27, 2008 Report Share Posted February 27, 2008 I laughed at pretty much all of them so far. Whats Grey and can't climb trees? A carpark! Whats red and hard to eat? A bus sandwich! What did the snowman say to the other snowman? "do you smell carrots??" (Thats my mates favourite joke of all time lol ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
willatkinson Posted February 27, 2008 Report Share Posted February 27, 2008 What's white and flies through the jungle? A washing machine. What's white and blue, and also flies through the jungle? A washing machine wearing a denim jacket. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bjorn Posted February 27, 2008 Report Share Posted February 27, 2008 Why are pirates called pirates? Cos they arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr :pirate: :winkthumbsup: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quadrant Posted February 27, 2008 Report Share Posted February 27, 2008 Why did the plane crash? Because the pilot was a loaf of bread! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quadrant Posted February 27, 2008 Report Share Posted February 27, 2008 What do you call a Russian Lesbian? Leyonya BakyabichWhat do you call a Japanese car thief? Tommy Tukamota :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quadrant Posted February 27, 2008 Report Share Posted February 27, 2008 What do you call a man with brown paper trousers? Russell. What is Santa's favourite pizza? One that's deep pan, crisp and even. What's green, got eight legs, and if it fell from a tree it would kill you? A snooker table!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigsteve Posted February 28, 2008 Report Share Posted February 28, 2008 Why did the doctor get angry? Because he lost his patients Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Briggsy Posted March 2, 2008 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2008 Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides and every time that Mary walked the boys could see her thighs Mary had another skirt split right up the front and every time that Mary walked the boys could see her ....... Blimey, is that the time? I'd best come back to finish this off later.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quadrant Posted March 2, 2008 Report Share Posted March 2, 2008 lol, if you had written the last word there, the word filter might have changed it to c***, which could then imply she was male Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lennox2s2s Posted March 2, 2008 Report Share Posted March 2, 2008 For the Liverpool fans Rafael Benitez: "Our new Winger cost five million. I call him our wonder player" Sir Alex Ferguson: "Why's that?" Rafael Benitez: "Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!" Q: Why will Liverpool never win the League? A: They keep scoring Owen goals Q: How many Liverpool fans does it take to change a light bulb? A: Yeah, as if they have electricity in Liverpool... Q: What's is the differance between Pamela Anderson and the Liverpool goal? A: Pam's only got two t**s in front of her Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quadrant Posted March 3, 2008 Report Share Posted March 3, 2008 A SAUSAGE and an EGG are rolling around in a frying pan together. "Cor, it's hot in here isn't it!" says the Sausage. To which the egg replies: "f***ing hell!! A talking sausage!?!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Judge Mental Posted March 3, 2008 Report Share Posted March 3, 2008 Hahaha What does a king do when he farts? He issues a royal pardon What wobbles as it flies? A jellycopter How do you catch a squirrel? Climb in a tree and act like a nut. What did the can say to the can opener? You make me flip my lid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lennox2s2s Posted March 3, 2008 Report Share Posted March 3, 2008 Heard these on the Radio today.... What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a hen? An easter egg... What do you get if you cross a a potato with an onion? A potato with watery eyes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Judge Mental Posted March 3, 2008 Report Share Posted March 3, 2008 What radio station was that, they are bloody awful Worst ones yet I reckon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lennox2s2s Posted March 3, 2008 Report Share Posted March 3, 2008 I heard them on one of them local Radio Stations in Dublin, either FM 104 or Spin FM, not 100% sure exactly which one, they are dreadful..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quadrant Posted March 3, 2008 Report Share Posted March 3, 2008 Why is the larder a dangerous place? Because the potatoes have eyes and beanstalk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JasonB Posted March 4, 2008 Report Share Posted March 4, 2008 Deary me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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