Crap confidence and insecurity :(

[Briggsy]

I just wondered if any of you guys have ever suffered from really bad confidence and/or insecurity?

I've always suffered from really bad confidence, but I didn't realise how insecure I was until 2 weeks ago

I met a really nice girl nearly 7 weeks ago when we DJ'd together. A week later, she mentioned that she wanted more practice on Pioneer CDJ-1000's (she hadn't got those decks) - but didn't know anyone that had any, so I offered to take mine down to hers for her to practice on.

To cut a long story short, we had a great day. I drove to her house in Northampton around 11am, and we had a great day. Laughing, joking, banter, looooooads of chatting - we were mixing until 4am on-and-off, and then we chatted until 6.30am. We got on really well and we clicked right from the start - which is really unusual for me. I drove home, had 4 hours sleep, and then woke up to a text saying she had a great day and its a shame we could do it again - so I text back saying we could if she wanted, so I drove back again and spent the day there again - again, we had a really good time. A week later, we went to the Ministry of Sound, got on really well, and it was then that we knew we really liked each other. I spent the whole wekeend with her again, drove up to hers during the week after work, and then we finally admitted that we liked each other. We became even closer, and I spent the whole weekend with her again that weekend. Then we got together "officially".

We were fine for 2 weeks, and then my confidence and insecurity kicked in. I saw her send a text which I thought looked a bit dodgy - but I got the wrong end of the stick and blew it out of proportion. Since then, I never really let it drop, a couple of other misunderstandings took place between times, and my insecurity got even worse - to the point where I annoyed her and drove her away - I was also a bit pushy too (although that was also because she was scared too, and was worried I was going to leave her, so I made it clear by reassuring her that I was different from other lads, etc that had used her before - i was obviously trying too hard). We split up, tried again, but the damage had been done and I drove her away again. I did a couple of stupid things too which I shouldn't have done to find out if she was cheating, and I regret doing it because its so not like me to do.

I'm really f***ing gutted now because although i'd not known her long, it was obvious that we really liked each other, had so much in common, got on soooo well, and she was stunning too. I'd also become attached really quickly. Part of the problem with my confidence was that I thought she was too good for me, and I think I always expected her to find someone better

I just wondered if anyone of you guys have problems like that too? I've always had bad confidence, but i'm not sure why I was so insecure. My ex was quite violent, abusive and cheated on me at least 2 times that I know of, so I think that may have been the reason - that, plus the low confidence working alongside each other.

I've always hated the way I look, and I hate things about myself - some days i'm laughing and joking and really happy, other days i'm boring and as miserable as sin - I think even you guys have seen both sides of me on here.

I don't really know how to "snap" out of it or how to deal with it to be honest. I don't have any mates close enough to talk to about my "issues" and my family are too old-skool and won't understand so I don't really know how to deal with it. I'm feeling pretty f***ing s***ty right now

I thought i'd ask for your advice because we're a fairly close board and everyone is fairly friendly and non-judgemental. It'd be a bit weird doing it on another forum.

[simonross46]

I had a very bad situation fairly similar to yours Briggsy. The problem I find with myself is that when I like a lass, it always ends up down the 'friends' route. About 2 years ago me and a lass I had liked for 5 years were finally getting along in the way I had hoped (we spent the 6 weeks of summer talking to each other, everyday, from 11:00 in the afternoon to 04:00 in the early hours of the morning). I thought things were finally going somewhere until she ran away with another fella.

Ever since that period I have been a different person. I always have my moments when I'm constantly happy and don't worry about any issues, but then quite suddenly I'm down in a hole and just cba with anything. It's these low moments I am thankful for my DJ'ing because doing some mixing or producing puts my mind off these things, but I can't imagine it will work in quite the same way for you Briggsy since it has all been orientated around mixing?

[Briggsy]

Sounds quite similar to me actually Simon! Some days I can be quite happy and bubbly, other days I feel as miserable as sin - yet I don't know what triggers it. I have really bad patches of despression, and this one has bene the worst, lasting around 4 months - perhaps it wasn't the best time to get into a relationship to be honest. The only thing that made me happy was knowing I was going to see her. The rest of the time, I was as miserable as sin.

But yeah, its the mixing that actually takes my mind off things. I was up til 4am the other morning mixing because we'd had an argument over the situation, I couldn't sleep, so i mixed, got up and had breakfast had about an hours sleep and went to work - that was a hellish day

Driving is the other thing which helps me focus - if i'm feleing down, i'll drive somewhere random out in the country. I can only do that when i'm calm though. If I do it when i'm angry or got something on my mind, I'd throw my car round the roads in temper and probably end up in an accident.

I'm just so p***ed off with feleing down, lacking in confidence and insecure. I don't know why or how I get like it - it just happens, and I hate the fact that I can't control it. Its like someone takes over my mind and controls that side of things - and I hate that.

because of that, i've f***ed up big time, lost her, and now its made my despression even worse too. Catch 22 situation

[Number2Fan]

Well OMG yes I can see what you're saying totally here Briggsy, I have in the past suffered from the low self esteem and confidence thing, I usually have lost friends thru it and missed out on some great oppurtunities because of it.

Then one day I DID just snap out of it, I relaxed, soo much and was only interested in the so called "friends route" anyway...so much that it didn't matter to me whether or not I had a boyfriend or whether things worked out or whether I was saying the right or wrong thing. I took the whatever will be will be attitude, and I have to say it has worked.

You know that checking up on someone isn't EVER going to stop them from having an affair, it'll either just make them more careful or effectively DRIVE them away to someone who doesn't behave in a jealous fashion.

My ex used to check my texts, whinge, look over my shoulder on the internet, if I said something a bloke had said to me at work he'd say " oh bet he fancies you, or you fancy him, he went on to the point that I hated him and thought to myself, if I'm gonna be accused of it I may as well be doing it.

I asked him to go after 7 and a half years I felt like a prisoner, was lying about innocent things in case they looked dodgy (when they weren't) which of course made them LOOK EVEN MORE dodgy because I was lying, it was a nightmare, I will never put up with that again.

People, men or women just want to be able to be themselves and share their lives with their partners, if you fall in love with somone, it's because of the way they are. You just need to relax, and be yourself,, what doesn't work out is not meant to be, and I truly believe there is somebody out there who will love you for the way you are, and altho you'd have liked it to be her, it wasn't.

Just be yourself and get on with YOUR life until she comes along. She will.

[Briggsy]

You just need to relax, and be yourself,, what doesn't work out is not meant to be, and I truly believe there is somebody out there who will love you for the way you are, and altho you'd have liked it to be her, it wasn't.

Just be yourself and get on with YOUR life until she comes along. She will.

Thats the thing though - I was relaxed and I was being myself to start with, and we got on really well. We were really suited. I've never been so suited to anyone as much as I had with her - we had exactly the same interests and got on really well - and then BANG - this bit I don't like kicked in - the insecurity, the lack of confidence, i'd lost the ability to crack jokes around her, etc. It definately wasn't her - it was me. I'm sure it would have been the same if i'd been with another person. I can't control this insecurity thing.

Thats what I need to work out - how do you control it? I've never been in that situation before, and I dunno what causes the insecurity, and how you get out of it. I've lost this girl for good now - but if I don't sort this problem out, its gonna happen again with someone I get with in the future too

Its not a case of we weren't meant to be - something deep down tells me that if this insecurity issue hadn't cropped up, we'd have actually lasted a long time because of how well were were suited and got on. Its that that p***es me off more than anything because i'd lost control of my insecurity

[Number2Fan]

With regards the up one day and down the next.... HORMONES!!!

Everyone has them, not just you!

[Number2Fan]

I don't think you're right saying that if you don't sort it you'll never have anyone, YOU WILL>. You will learn thru your mistakes, and finally you will meet someone who doesn't mind your behaviour, you will change.

I known loads of people that you think are ideal because they like what you like, act like you, eat the same food, do this, do that. The truth is you dunno what your ideal partner will be until you find them. Until then just have fun with anyone that comes along on the way.

My jealous EX is now with a lady who loves him for who he is and what he's like, in a way I never did. He's very happy having babies and living how he wants and so is she. I couldn't stand him, let alone be with him forever. They are suited. We weren't meant to be, even tho when we split up he was really put out by it, we had a daughter too. He's fine now.

I am fine with my partner, he loves me even though I'm obsessed with Judge Jules and I love him because of that.

It'll all come right in the end.

Relationships ending aren't ONE persons fault it just wasn't right.

You can speak to your GP tho if you feel confidence and stuff really do affect your life. I think my Ex might have done.

Just please yourself and enjoy yourself and one day someone will share all that with you.

I promise.

[lennox2s2s]

Keep your head up brother,,,I get depressed at times but the difference between me and you is that I go absolute 3 day beer sessions that only adds to the matter....then I be in worse shape for about a week...This is no good at all....

One thing I have come to terms with over the last year is that, the only way I can stay relatively happy is not to think too much about things.....so I need constant mind stimulation to block out the unhappiness ...which in my case comes from my research work.....I try my best to stay busy with work...

I will admit that I am generally not a happy person....but can tolerate things a bit better nowadays..

The classic Jules audio which I have acquired from this website cheers me up from time to time...

[simonross46]

The lass I liked who I mentioned earlier once told me that "thinking about things is a very dangerous thing to do" ... and she is right. I think you should treat yourself in some way sir, take your mind off any troubles and have a good time. Like Lennox says, you need to keep yourself occupied so that you aren't resorting to thinking.

[Briggsy]

The lass I liked who I mentioned earlier once told me that "thinking about things is a very dangerous thing to do" ... and she is right. I think you should treat yourself in some way sir, take your mind off any troubles and have a good time. Like Lennox says, you need to keep yourself occupied so that you aren't resorting to thinking.

Thats my problem I think - I do too much thinking.

I've planned some things over the next few days to keep me occupied anyway - for that very reason. I'm going to the Ministry of Sound tomorrow to see Jules, Lange and The Thrillseekers, and i'm going Kart racing on Sunday. Just gotta find something to do Saturday now. That'll be the hardest day too because its weekends i'm usually with her.

[Max Kane]

Definately agree with the 'less thinking is best' approach, often one can take relatively minor events or comments & by thinking about them over & over they can manifest into something terrifically over-blown.

Everyone has periods in their life when they feel like s***, it's human nature.

[Aza]

Briggsy mate,

The scenario you described seems like a pleasantly natural scenario when two people meet.

Firstly, I am sorry to see/hear the ways things have unfolded for you.

Without getting too philosophical, despite life being such a beautiful thing, one of the hardest things in the world is to live it. Society and the environment have shaped us in ways that are far too complex for our own understandings, and when something new and exciting comes into your life -taking you away from the ‘norm’, it is hard not to let yourself get distracted and focus too much attention on this.

It is always difficult offering someone advice in these situations, since we tend to talk in hindsight and can never put ourselves in that persons [your] shoes.

Here are a few things I’ve gathered and can suggest from your account mate.

1) To me, you have never come across lacking in confidence. The enthusiasm you have expressed on here regarding music, mixing (we share the passion for the inspirational Eddie Halliwell for example), your website, the amazing interviews you have conducted and managed to tie down big name DJs.

2) The night that you set up in Coventry – the effort and amount of communication to have gone into that is by no means small, and that requires courage

3) The discussions we have had on this board – you have always put valid, worthwhile points across

4) Your kindness in offering to drive to this ladies house and spend the time that you did with her – it seems you have put a lot of effort into your relationship and time with her and that’s why maybe you began to care as much as you did

Insecurity is a natural characteristic of human beings, the level of consideration you showed to her (from the account of your original post), to me, is just a reflection of how much you care. Of course, it may not come across that way, and some people take to it differently than others.

I think you go through these things in phases, and time is a healer. If you suspected her of sending a text that may have been a bit ‘dodgy’ then for you to have suspected it, may be legit. Coming back to hindsight, if you would have let that go for example, then maybe things would’ve panned out ok, but then she would only hurt you even more further down the line.

In those type of situations, I believe ‘what goes comes around’.

If you didn’t point out that text message, then you might’ve been ok, but perhaps she was being unfaithful - and is not right for you. Ideally, I would like to think that we give off actions to let those around us know our behaviours and thoughts, and I would like to think that this is why you had cause for concern. Someone who shares mutual feelings should do their best to assert the other of their commitments and assurance.

It is only now that you look back and think that those things that you did to find out if she was cheating were cheating, but at the time, they were completely rational. It is only what enables you to put your mind at rest by doing those that truly know.

It is always difficult to strike a balance. Perhaps you did drive her away through too much attention, but if you didn’t show your intentions enough, then maybe she might’ve thought you were not interested?

Experience is the key mate… and all the advice that will be posted on here will probably all mould into one to help you with lessons learned.

I can imagine that it is always difficult to try and carry on after damage is done, especially early into a relationship. And when you’re attracted to someone and care for them that much, then it is natural to become attached. Some people just like to be shown affection more than others, and again, it is always difficult striking that balance early into a relationship.

From previous experiences, these things are always difficult to deal with, it is a lot easier said than done (of course), but you just need to keep yourself occupied. Friends definitely helped, but as you mentioned, mixing the music helped more.

To be honest, when I look back, I know I was a lot better a DJ. I mixed for around 4 hours a day and really wanted to make it big. I would whip up so many mixes, I didn’t have the time to work on dishing em out etc… I still have around 6 years experience mixing and of course my situation has changed, but I know you will get through this mate…

Just keep being yourself, learning, growing and experiencing. It will help shape you…

I will share something that my Dad once told me and I think it applies to your situation.

“Good judgement comes from bad experience, and bad judgement comes from no experience”.

Bit of a long one ^ that is ^, but you’re a top dude mate and as we are a good community here, it is not nice to hear someone is down. Having shared what you did up there, I wanted to help and share what I feel can help you…

PS – the drinking doesn’t help, no. But in company with friends, and in moderation (like anything) is ok (IMO). It is whatever makes you happy, you need to generate those happy feelings inside to help ride the storm.

Agreed though, just getting drunk makes you contemplate and dwell too much, but getting happy drunk is fine. I don’t smoke, but some of my mates do, and also when they are on a bit of downer, they seem a lot happier after their nicotine craving

[Tim451]

I've been in exactly the same situation. For years I always ended up heading down the 'good friends' route & I really got down about it. Part of it was people leading me one & part of it was just me being too shy to take opportunities when they presented themselves. Then a few months back I met my girlfriend & I forced myself to be really confident & a bit of a cheeky b@stard to give a better impression of myself (usually I have no confidence or self worth whatsoever) (I am a bit of a cheeky b@stard around people I know though lol). After a few days of going out with her I started to get really paranoid when she texted people & I was convinced that she was going to run off with someone else & all that. The low self worth & lack of confidence was creeping back in. I think it was because before I was trying to get her but once i'd got her I didn't want to lose her. I've always dwelled on my problems wayyy to much & i've suffered bouts of severe depression since I was bullied back at school. Took me a while to sort my head out & block out the paranoia but I managed & thankfully we're still together & going strong. I kinda gritted my teeth & kept it all to myself because I didn't want to push her away.

[Max Kane]

Good reading from Aza, balanced & very well informed comments. Liking the philosophy behind what you've said too mate, it's very applicable in this situation

[MrKrump]

hi all, Moonman here, for some reason i cant log into that account so i created 'dis one. Admin, delete Moonman, i cant seem to log in or get the verification email....

I've always lived by 2 principles since i was about 11...

* It's better to have tried and lost, than not tried at all

* Confidence is the key. I firmly believe with confidence you can pull nearly anything off.

I was the kid that messed about in class and that actually liked getting up in front of people doing presentations and stuff. I dont know if that means i crave attention or what (i think it's my extremely low boredom threshold), but it's always got me through, and i've never had major insecurity problems. If there is one "insecurity" i have, its i'm not competitive enough. I think sometimes i could and should have, acheived so much more than i have. I'm the type of guy where tomorrow really never does come. Also, i hate commitment. I just cant do it! Looks have never been an insecurity, i mean, i cant change how i look, so why worry about it?

I have been on the receiving end of the low self esteem/confidence thing though. It does do you head in. I'd be round a mate playing x-box or jamming and i'd get a call from the ex nearly crying because i was 2 hours late home - even though i told her i was gonna be late. I have a lot of female friends, i guess she didnt like them. I've never cheated though, and i never would, but trying to explain that to her was a complete ballache. She wouldnt listen. Ever.

When i am feeling down though its time to bust out the music. I swear, its like a drug. It totally gets me back up. Music and my guitars.

I dunno though, i'm a douchebag, dont listen to me!

[MrKrump]

one thing though, what constitutes to "sending a dodgy text?" I dont understand?

I did a couple of stupid things too which I shouldn't have done to find out if she was cheating, and I regret doing it because its so not like me to do.

I'm not judging or flaming anyone dude, but did you look at her phone without her knowing? Did you secretly go out when she was having a girly night out?

I'm just trying to get how you're thinking.

[Number2Fan]

Thats my problem I think - I do too much thinking.

I've planned some things over the next few days to keep me occupied anyway - for that very reason. I'm going to the Ministry of Sound tomorrow to see Jules, Lange and The Thrillseekers, and i'm going Kart racing on Sunday. Just gotta find something to do Saturday now. That'll be the hardest day too because its weekends i'm usually with her.

OMG you bastard, how dare you even think about being depressed when you are going to the trance awards tomorrow. I'd give anything to go but I have to start a crap new job, have no money or clothes to wear, but really wanna go more than anyone can even imagine. AND YES you are right it's best not to think about it, til someone pops up saying they are going and how hard done by they are. PPPRRRFT!

Like lennox says we all have problems and certainly all get depressed and down at times and simons lady friend is right too.

I find dancing is a great way of cheering up tho, so tomorrow should work providing your a good boy when your out! Grrrrrrr!

Just dont tell me how good it was.

Try counting your blessings? It's very good, I have terrible terrible days where my youngest screams all day, I mean all day I still have to act normal and happy for the other two, and do all the normal daily chores even tho I'm looking after DAMIAN from the omen!! It's hard, but I see many people, in wheelchairs, car crashes, hospital, with cancers, you name it and they are all being better stronger people than me, so whatever probs you have someone is always much worse off.

BTW if you were secretly checking her phone, next time JUST DON'T!!! It wont stop anyone from cheating, it 'll just do yours and her head in!!

Get counselling!

[Number2Fan]

BTW for tomorrow....

BOX:

10.30-11.30 Roshan Tajapra

11.30-12.30 Claudia Cazacu

12.30-01.30 Sied Van Riel

01.30-03.00 Lange

03.00-04.30 Thrillseekers

04.30-06.00 Judge Jules

06.00-07.00 Gavyn Mytchel

BAR:

10.30-12.00 Stuart Brooker

12.00-01.30 Tall Paul

01.30-03.00 Marc Vedo

03.00-04.30 Deepgroove

04.30-06.00 Graeme Lloyd

BABY BOX:

Hosted by Funk Naughty

THE LOUNGE:

Hosted by Minimal Love

[Neuro]

My outlook on life is to obtain balance. Everyone has self-conscious quirks, qualms with the opposite sex - that's what makes every person unique. We'd be weird if we had no conscience.

Briggsy, you say you think too much, which is possible, but my advice would be to approach things differently, maybe hunt down some philosphy books, something like the spiritual teachings of Marcus Aurelius, which present very simple but thoughtful anecdotes on life. Once you see ways in which to take a step back, and approach things from a new angle, you can obtain a sense of perspective, balance in yourself, and - ultimately - accomplishment.

Everyone might think I'm a raving tree-hugger now, but just trust me on this one :shifty:

[Number2Fan]

True actually, i read Derren Browns trick of the mind and Chicken soup for the soul!

Derren Brown certainly does alright!

[Quadrant]

Want to change the way you look, so others perceive you more seriously?

Here is my suggestion - maybe it could change your life!

I hope this has been helpful to you all.

[Number2Fan]

Somehow the shoes are actually the worst part of their outfits!

[JasonB]

Irrevelent to thread but krump why abandon a account? just contact tim or fuzzy and theyll sort it ou tfor you!

[MrKrump]

i didnt know they could. I've tried getting the verification email to reset the password but i cant ge the email. And i cant contact him without being able to log in (which i cant do). So i had to make a quick new account.

[MrKrump]

i actually like the moniker Mr Krump aswell